My friend...my soulmate

Through Joel's Lens- Mom and dad

2009-06-25T07:08:00.001-07:00

Eleven Years of Marriage

2008-09-08T00:40:00.000-07:00

It is actually strange that I took so long to write something here. It was as if I had the most dynamic thing in my hand and before I could solidify it in words it changed its shape.
Eleventh year has been as dramatic as the eleventh hour implies.

I was suddenly back to adolescence and he responded by being an alarmed parent. The underlining emotion I had was being a rebel and questioning every boundary that was set. It probably didn't matter what I was up against as long as I was up and against something. So I questioned everything..... And it included the colours I wore, the dress statements I made, what I wrote, who were my friends, what I could do with my time, what were my respnsibilities in home making. I took the family fabric and analyzed it without pity. I drove him to the limit...to find out what the limit was.

He was surprised , alarmed, tried to understand.....but couldn't fathom...

All he needed to do was ask mummy...I was a difficult adolescent...!!!

So in the eleventh year...we looked at US like never before....we churned every thought and feeling and painstakingly reached conclusions,we formed our life mission and vision,we decided we needed to pray every day...we realized we could be in absolute disagreement....and still couldn't sleep at night without each other....

As I like to put it....for ten years we learnt how to stick togeher....in the eleventh we detached each other a bit...and took a detailed look at the person we married...

My favourite conclusions and reflections resonate with Kahlil Gibran as he says

You were born together and together you shall be for evermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love;
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same mmusic.
Give your hearts but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

So 11 years strong we are here...ready to makea road map to our dreams!!

Retrospection

2007-12-10T22:52:00.000-08:00

Its December 2007. Eleven years back around this time we were readying to tie the knot and to say in all hopefulness,"I do".

Looking back its rather strange that we chose each other. One could almost say that we are mutually exclusive. Put together we are everything that the universe ever felt. He is complete prose and I complete poetry. Over the years we have discovered that sometimes thus we talk different languages.

But most of the times we know we do not need to talk.

We have attempted and tried our best at changing the other...and have been quite successful.

My Contribution-

He eats panipuris, chaat, bhelpuri and chole bature from outside( a complete hygiene freak)
He can listen to music while he is at his studies.
He learnt to argue loudly.
He can wear a little flashy colours(still uncomfortable).
He enrolled for MBA from Manchester University (spending on it was a huge decision)
He takes risks, handles uncertainities and expects unpedictabilities.
He can sleep 5 hrs a day and still be working(drastic reduction from 7.5).
He has learnt to ignore tone, forget words and accept who is the boss.
He has learnt to leave the controls and to empower us;his family.
His English writing skills have improved.
His Hindi has picked up.
He knows what are the weak points of doctors...a bit too well.

His contribution-

I learnt to use a PC.
I started clicking photographs
I learnt to drive a car.
I realised that people like papa are still made.
I started to think about money-from where does it come, where does it go...and how it could be used.(very reluctantly)
I saw a completely genuine human being who beleived in thorough logic.
I developed unshakable faith in him, us and marriage.
I completely lost me and became dependent on him and the when he freed me learnt to empower myself independently. (on his constant nudging)

11 years of marriage . Our two beautiful children were gifted with a set of parents absolutely unlike the other.

One could feel Maths and the other could logically derive practical conclusions from poetry. One was predictable to the extent of boredom and the other terrifyingly unpredictable.

With me they learnt to sing, dance, fly ....

with him they learnt to sit, pray and sleep....

logic with imagination.....our marriage has been unconventional.....dotted with very deep discussions on love, family, women, beauty and existence.....

he is careful to invest on insurance...

and I am carefree to offer him cotton candies...

Together we are just great...I guess.....

and the best part of the day is sleeping in his arms.

Can we ever outgrow parents?

2007-09-24T08:50:00.000-07:00

The Athiyunthan Family in Dubai

2007-09-23T05:38:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday

2007-09-20T06:24:00.001-07:00

19th September 2007

This year was different in so many ways.

After three years we were actually together in this month. Parents were around. Both the children were expressive verbally of their affections. Gudia sang to glory and Joel played happy birthday on the keyboard.

I did not plan an elaborate gift. Every time I used to....and he accepted as that was the way it had to be. This time it was just a good luck charm...a laughing Budhdha.....and I felt he really liked it! Probably I had grown to the level to accept him as he was. The gift was to try stopping my efforts to change him into anything else other than him.

He was more touched to have his parents with him. Both he and the parents knew it could be the last affair of this kind with so much intimacy and love. Being the seventh child...and being the mature kinds from early childhood...he had missed out the pampering of parents.

For once he wanted to be pampered! And actually enjoyed all the spot light on him.

Yeah! this day is important for me....the day the universe decided to send someone who would LET ME BE !!

Happy Birthday!!

I wish , hope and pray....our togetherness will help us grow...into being more of ourselves....

You have shown by example the meaning of unconditional love....and I pray we retain it....

Happy Birthday chatten!!

A picture to frame

2007-08-18T23:39:00.000-07:00

He with parents

2007-08-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

What makes him cry?

2007-07-17T06:20:00.000-07:00

A dish made exactly like his mother used to make!!

Our son accepting a morsel of food from his hand like he used to from his grandpa.

Having something in abundance which was in extreme scarcity in his childhood.

When I care for him when he is sick…reminds of his mother!!

When he prays for his parents and his grandparents souls.

When he achieves something and thinks of his roots.

A sad moment in a movie.

When his parents misunderstand him.

Whenever he wins!!

Memories….old ones…new ones resembling old ones….and new ones which could never be possible in age old days.

And what do I feel when he cries…..a tender soul brave enough to be emotional enough to show his tears!!

This is the time to fall in love again!!

Miss-under-standing

2007-05-24T03:58:00.000-07:00

With regular up downs that Jaison was subjected to life was increasingly becoming hectic. Our individual works, work at home, kids homeworks, their drawing , music and mental arithmetic classes, Jaison's MBA and then the resignation and paper work involved.

A conversation of these times

Jaison: I would go back earlier. I need to study.
Me :OK
Jaison:That's ok with you ,isn't it?
Me :hmm
Jaison:Do you need any cash?
Me : Aren't you planning to return back?
Jaison:Of course I am. Why do you suddenly sound upset?
Me :Nothing. I have work to do.
Jaison:Awright.
Me :Do you want to take the dinner?
Jaison:No, I guess.
Me :Tell the kids you are leaving earlier.
Jaison:I will.
Me :And why not join some library.
Jaison:Library?!! Why?
Me :You can't study at home with us around. Since you intend to live here , you would need to go to a library to study.
Jaison:What's wrong with you?
Me :Everything. You don't give any importance to what I feel.
Jaison:And what do you feel?
Me :Nothing ,what's the point anyway.
Jaison:By any chance, do you want that I should stay?
Me :And was that a secret?
Jaison:I don't get it. If all you wanted was to stop me from going early.....you could just say.
Me :And when will you understand what I have to say without my saying.

Joel from other room to Catherine, "God knows when they will stop fighting like kids."

Life moves in circles...

2007-05-09T02:37:00.000-07:00

Life has been going in circles.

Three days back Jaison resigned again. The reason was same. We wanted to be together.

Funny how we resign for coming together and find jobs in new places for growth.

But all in all we don’t have many regrets for the decisions we took in life. We were together holding hands and walking …and we haven’t smothered each other’s existence by staying too close for the sake of it. There was always freedom of expression and….the choice of direction. We both have made sacrifices…..our priorities never clashed…..

Yeah times have changed…but how much have we…?

Still my first trip on train as Jaison’s wife to Kakinada is crystal clear in my head. We were married for around 1 year. But he had left for Kakinada almost 15 days after our marriage. Parents were nearer than him. I never realized any change in status quo.

….until then…

Jaison suggested why not come to Kakinada for a short trip. I was excited. I agreed. Booked the ticket. Journey of half a day…..including a sleepover in train.

As the train chugged to speed…my heart beat picked up…. This looked different…. This was the sudden realization in the change of my identity. Suddenly I realized I belonged more to my hubby than to papa. HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR US. I WAS ACCOUNTABLE TO HIM. This was the real farewell to the girlish me.

There was a pinch of pain. ….Mixed with eager anticipation.

Kakinada was hot. Situated in Andhra Pradesh ….in the month of June …I think it was smoldering hot. My first impression was of remorse when I saw a man pulling the rickshaw…..

Jaison looked like he had been lonely for ages. When I entered his flat it had no personal touches. Here and there his manuals, few of my snaps and letters, a rosary, and some utensils.

He had the simplest living one could imagine…..it almost looked too pristine…..almost starched…..!!

I scanned the rooms. Too clean, the bed had a simple white bed sheet with small yellow flowers and leaves, two pillows….the table had a photo frame having my snap sitting in a boat from Kodai….our honeymoon time…… a cross…a rosary…a bible…and manuals…and manuals. Kitchen looked like it was used only when required. No trace of food no smells….the oil bottle hardly used in one side…..a washed pressure cooker….
The balcony was like it was never visited. It needed to be dusted.

Hmm!! This house needed to be converted to a home!!

I washed the entire house. ….including the balcony. A more cheerful sheet was spread. Some decorative pieces locked in his suitcases put on table. A cardboard box was converted to a side table. A table cloth was put. Kitchen smelled yummy of food….the TV was on….

By evening Jaison and the house looked revived.

We went to the local market. Bought some fresh vegetable and fruits. And few more things I felt were needed. I was already getting used to the rikshaw pullers. He got me jasmine garland.

I had few cotton sarees…..one is still clear in my memory…a red and cream one….I wore those at home….with the garlands……. It was like the homely Hindi movies…..I would cook and be ready to welcome him with hot steaming food….and he would be in his most romantic self…..

It didn’t look like summer……for all I cared it was spring….the most beautiful days I was having……

We would sit and talk for hours in balcony……would play all crazy games at home….spend the time in terrace below the starlit night…..We had dreams……mine were more vivid…..his were more providing…..I would walk everywhere with his little finger in my hand…..the jasmine in my long open hairs….with my saree pallo loosely held….

The beaches of Kakinada were so beautiful….! Stretches of clear sand…..and the waves approaching….the water looked crystal clear……it was spotted intermittently with red crabs……

Time flew as fast as it could….Soon clutching memories in tight grasp in one hand and his little finger in the other we were in the railway station…..to return back to Surat…..

I never cried when I was married and left home….in fact I hardly cry on real occasions….but this was different…..time was ticking away and it seemed like it was taking his little finger from my grasp…..

I tried hard,…..but I was grossly emotional…..I couldn’t stop the flood of tears waiting….and I broke…..

He took me in embrace….for once not bothered of what people will think…..and after crying my heart out ….I looked up….and asked innocently…., “Why are you not crying??”

He smiled….boarded me in train….slowly pulled his finger away….and I again started crying…… When the train started….my crying didn’t stop…..everybody was staring at me….I look ugly when I cry…who cared….I wanted his little finger…and his warm embrace….and just to be with him….hear him sleep beside me…..content and peaceful…..

Time and again after that …..We repeated it in different settings…. I never cried as much…..he always teased me for that day…..

But no we haven’t changed ……I still want his little finger…and his warm embrace….and just to be with him….hear him sleep beside me…..content and peaceful…..

In Laws

2007-03-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

I met Jaison because of my parents.

My parents were employed in Kakrapar Atomic Power Station. They were among the few couples working for the same organization. My father has always been a very hard working, sincere and genuine person albeit less polished, more frank and loud. My mother has always been a learner, holding an accurate vision for future, hard working albeit falling sick very often.

They had a soft corner for all young persons relocating from their native places. This meant that we regularly had some uncles as friends who were recruited in their first jobs. These young bachelors shared affection with my parents that sometimes surprised me.

As I grew from 12th grade to the final MBBS, I changed…..my attitudes towards these young men also changed. Few amused me, others were irritating….some were impressive….but I started maintaining a distance from these so called guests.

It was when I was in my Final MBBS, that Jaison joined the same organization.

My mother seemed to like him immensely. He joined our family with an ease that actually bothered me. My mother adopted him as her kid brother. And very soon he was part of there everyday lives. He was at home if she was unwell…ready with all the care a son would give. He would be there to help them out if they needed a strong hand to run errands. He would fix up some electrical problems….ask for recipes…join them in prayers…..and go for a walk together.

My father liked him instantly and befriended him. He was the young engineer. And papa was foreman. Jaison held a genuine respect for papa. He was in awe of papa’s sincerity at his work. He openly appreciated papa’s philosophy of life. With subtle suggestions he would explain some behavior of me or my brother that would have been bothering him.

When I met this gentleman for the first time, Papa said, “This is Jaison uncle!” and to him, “This is my daughter.”

Obviously I was still the little girl in Papa’s eyes. However, during that introduction we sized each other up.

I was cautious of him. He was amused of me. There was an instant attraction. And I was far from accepting him as an uncle.

That aside, Jaison only came to be more and more part of the family.

Jobi, my brother was in Bangalore. I was held up in the college with my studies and duties at the hospital. The relationship between my parents and him blossomed.

He was their friend, brother, son and confidant. He was there to take care of them when they needed to be taken to hospitals. He helped them with new systems. He walked them to the prayer meetings. He shared there hopes, aspirations, fears and dreams. He understood their childhood…coming from a similar background…better than we did. He rejoiced with them in their successes. He comprehended their disappointments at the work place.

When I and my brother were away he was like an angel sent to them.

Three years through and that was when my parents learnt that their daughter has actually fell in love with this gentleman. More than anything they were very worried. They liked him ….but knew he came from a family very different from ours. They resisted the choice……because they were unsure whether their daughter would actually be the right choice for him. They were apprehensive that with this new relation they would actually lose their relationship with him.

It took us time to convince my parents to agree for our marriage.

I could not touch the intimacy my parents shared with him. He is still their trusted confidant. They share a bond inexplicable.

When I see…I ask him sometimes….and he says…, “You haven’t seen your father working…have you? If you had seen him climbing on to those cooling towers, crawling below structures….the sincerity with which he did his work…..simply because you were doing a work……you would understand why I adore him. And your mother, she is among the very practical persons whom I have seen….who has shaped her family so beautifully. I admire her.”

“They protected you from everything that was ugly and brought you up. I have been through that ugliness so I know what great job they have done.”

My parents are his in-laws…..but they treat him as their son.

Happy Anniversary

2007-01-09T02:23:00.000-08:00

It has been 10 years. Yeah January 8th 1997 we both said I do. And we began our journey together.

We are two very different kinds of individuals. Though the general ideals and policies remain the same our styles of executing the ideas differ. He is practical, prosaic…..sometimes too predictable and thus a bit boring. I am poetic, irrational….sometimes bordering on being crazy. He believes in being steady, with emotions under check…tone well modulated. I am emotional, my tone reflects my moods….intense and passionate…capable of infecting others with euphoria or depression. I never grew up and even though he is the seventh child…the youngest …he was mature from early years.

We have been an attractive couple……actually complementing each other. With my eye on the stars and his on thorns and stones on ground we stayed accident free in the right orbit.

But our life decisions have been interesting.

When he first met he believed I was doing MSc. By the time he discovered I was doing MBBS…. his heart was already set on me. When the date for marriage was finalized I was in first year of Pediatrics. With hardly 15 days of holidays we began our married life.

The first year was tough on me. With emergencies and calls and studies…..with seniors and juniors and learning and teaching. In February 1997 he resigned from Nuclear Power Corporation India situated at Kakrapar, near Surat. He wanted to grow….to explore the possibilities in the private sector. I was in the hostel in Surat. We never realized how tough it would be stay away from each other.

We faced few important events……mum was operated for incision hernia, he developed jaundice and I broke my fifth metatarsal. The college had its level of politics and first year of residency its pressures on. My brother got married

During this phase our friendship with Shashidhar was consolidated. For once Jaison was ready to accept a person as a true friend and bold enough to let his vulnerabilities known to someone else.

He joined Kakinada, Rolls Royce Power. That was hard on him. He yearned for family, his wife….and children. But things were not as simple.

One to two letters a day…our letter boxes were never empty. We were like new lovebirds……pining for each other…. The STD booths became our favorite stops….Archie’s shops had good business.

By early 98 we were almost tired of this arrangement. I still had two more years to go. He started frantically searching for a job in Gujarat. He landed it in Reliance Jamnagar. But Jamnagar was still far from Surat.

Everything seemed wrong at Jamnagar. The place, the job, the people……and we were far. Then the cyclone hit at Jamnagar.

And he was on road. Hours on road…seeing the buses topple in front ….the roofs flying….ripped apart like cardboard….and life was not so sure to sustain.

The telephone lines were cut. I didn’t know what was happening …where he was or how.

He managed to communicate after two days…saying he will see me in Ahmedabad at Shashidhar’s wedding.

We met…he after a bad episode of gastroenteritis…and I after worrying sick.

In August 98 he landed a job in Bharuch…Powergen. My third year had begun. Life was simpler. The company was short of residential facility. So he was given hotel accommodation where he could allow his wife in.

That was the honeymoon. Viramgam Passenger became our favorite train and we felt like we were in heaven sitting at the doorstep in the compartment. The farms, huts and cattle…the rivers and streams…the small towns and stations weaved dreams. Shalimaar Hotel was our resort. It was a hideaway of two pining hearts…in love.

In January 1999 I finished my MD. And he got the colony accommodation. And the bride was ready to set the home for the first time.

One month of break and then I wanted to work. The colony was a little remote and jobs for a doctor few. I landed one in Sewashram Hospital in February 1999. But soon got fed up for lack of patients. Young and enthusiastic…eager to reach the rural populace……I wanted to work.

Jhagadia was a far fetched option. SEWA rural (http://sewarural.org ) was the kind of place my heart wanted to be in. It was around 80 kms from our colony. There was the bridge over Narmada River to cross. And I had to be 24 hrs available for calls. It was a tough life…but my heart was set.

No I didn’t have to force it on Jaison. I didn’t. I clearly remembered his condition…., “once your studies are over you would stay and work at or near my place of work.”

“You are sure you want this”. “Will you be able to handle the pressure??” “Do you want our child to be born here??”

And that was it. We were in Jhagadia. I was pregnant. I was doing what my heart desired. And I felt fulfilled. The children were around….the rural population in need of a good doctor….the new angels born at a rate I couldn’t believe. We would struggle to keep the prematures alive…and feel blessed and rewarded when we succeeded. Anilbhai, Lataben, Bankimbhai, Pankajbhai….the staff…the people….the prayers…the philosophy….I felt complete.

But it was a tough call on Jaison. Shifts and the tough drive home. He was happy to be a part of the SEWA rural. He was a cherished person with his natural warmth and kindness. But he was exhausted.
His parents came to keep me company. And we went for walks in the village side watching the peacocks and the cattle grazing.

Joel was born in December 29 1999.

Life was beautiful. But the regular rides on the bike were already taking its toll on Jaison. In November 2000 I resigned from SEWA rural. It was a difficult decision. I knew fully well what I was leaving. I also knew I may not be able to get it back ever again.

We shifted back to the colony. This time we had the house full. Joel, Heeral, he and me. It was bliss. I was out of work for three months. And then I landed a job at Bharuch in the district hospital.

Here I learnt what a government set up meant. There are policies which are not practical and cash flow vanishing somewhere in between. I was surprised how the eggs allocated to the malnourished kids went into someone’s ration. My ideals were challenged, put to test. I was perplexed at the ordinary man’s problems, at the apathy of the medical team, at the ease with which illegal activities went on. Here I saw at close distance the hard core muslims and the armed bajrang dal.

The earthquake and then the riots …..it was as if the entire ugliness was out there to see. I felt suffocated.

I was pregnant again. And actively considered leaving my job. I wanted to be part of a team having cleaner regulations and better ambience. I had been here from April 2001 to February 2003.

The offer from UAE was least expected. It arrived with my daughter Catherine on October 29, 2002. I didn’t have even a passport. I was reluctant, scared….but agreed.

Jaison joined Shuweihat CMS International in March 2003. I followed him. Ruwais was not like the desert I expected. I set in with homemaking.

One year without work started showing on my esteem. I started developing self doubts. Getting a job in Ruwais was the next difficult step. I couldn’t do it. I was desperate. I yearned to be useful….to contribute…to be called a doctor. I started posting my CV …anywhere I could.

Jaison was hurt, worried…and didn’t know how to handle this. His smart girlfriend had already turned into an under confident, dependent cribbing wife.

“Hey, I got a call from Dubai. That guy wants to meet. He says he wants to recruit me.”

Jaison was scared…to agree or disagree. “Do you have any idea Dubai is 409 kms from here. This is not our country. I can’t leave you alone to work. And I can’t work up and down with you.”

I was in no mood to listen. I was beginning to disintegrate and knew I had to take some sort of step in some direction.

When we came to Dubai….we knew nothing about it. In last 1 year we never visited it. We had no idea how we will get the support we needed. He was concerned and had none to share …and I was moving as if under a spell.

Faith works…it did. Dubai was everything it boasted of. The people were friendly….I met Kerala here….the support system was there….and thus we took off….

Yeah Jaison worked at Ruwais and I at Dubai….and we have a feeling we have been here before. The kids are doing great. Life is good. We are still romantic. Professionally he is better off. I am working and have time for kids.

And today is our tenth anniversary. I have work and he too. I considered driving to him….but yeah his practical sense has rubbed into me. He gifted me with a ruby set…a bit unlike him….in advance. He has been tied to his work and studies (MBA) lately.

But I missed him.

The day is already rolling by….and I feel sick….lonely…I am fed up of this arrangement now…..but he says unless I or he land a good job on other side this has to go on. No, he was never the story book’s romance kinds. No uncertainties. No unpredictabilities. He has work tomorrow and I know it is futile to hope he will be crazy to drive in for few hours. But he could be crazy for once!!!

I had chosen one old dress to wear. Back from a birthday party already tired. Yeah congratulations Beji….10 years huh!!

Someone was at the door…yeah Catherine’s friend’s jacket was with us. Taking it in my hand I opened the door.

It was not a dream……standing there was my husband…a decade old now….looking still like the young hopeful boy back then…..

With gift in one hand….tired after the long drive….I lost myself once again in him…..hey!! It’s ok to be poetic for a change!!!

Happy Anniversary !! It has been a roller coaster ride….but thank God you are there with me.

Happy New Year!!

2007-01-04T05:58:00.000-08:00

I have written so many letters to Jaison. Letter writing was almost a hobby. And somehow from the time we saw each other we have been moving back and forth. While that gave a painful yearning to be together…it also blessed us with a beautiful romance. Our married life has been a sequence of beautiful moments. While I have lost my temper many times, have gone up and down in spikes and clefts….he has been steadily there like he always was…….something as steady and permanent as the sky. I could paint it with clouds, colors and stars……it remained always in its full magnificence. This is my letter to him written on his birthday in 2005. Most of it holds true still and I pledge it again in this New Year!!

My Dearest Chatten,

Lots of love on your birthday ………..

My thoughts go to the moments I first fell in love with you……you seemed so simple & sane...somebody so comfortable….like…a cotton dress in hot summers…soothing & soft….always there …..Without fail …in all the adversities…like a grand father clock…so pure & genuine…..like a diamond…….

Nothing was fake about you……nothing was dubious….like a crystal…..

I fell in love with the love so pure….just nothing else in this world could match its radiance…..

You are a wonderful husband…….caring….encouraging….loving ….supporting

You gave me my life’s two best poetries…..our children

Kakrapar …..Kakinada…Surat….Bharuch…Jhagadia….Ruwais……Dubai….it has been a journey of wonderful moments one after the other……

You are a marvelous father……

You are a fantastic teacher………

If we are to go around the universe…time & again I will CHOOSE you as my companion

Today I thank you for bringing so much beauty in my life….for being there….for letting me do mistakes….for giving me a shoulder to cry on after my failures….for instilling me with strength…for believing in me….for believing in my dreams……

Today I wish we rejuvenate our friendship……we rekindle our romance….we start enjoying the unknown…..we change with change…..

I wish we approach life with a child like curiosity……

I wish we don’t analyze all moments, persons, and situations

I wish we not judge people & ourselves….

I wish we just learn to put our roots deep…..our branches high……

I wish we don’t bother about the climbers & creepers….after all they just add beauty to a tree…….

I wish we fill the world with fragrance

I wish we give the shade to anyone who choose to come below it

Today I wish we conquer the fear of fear….

I wish we throw ourselves in gay abandon to nature….

I wish we actively cultivate humor…

I wish we fine some money for anger & grumpiness

I wish we could once again fall in love all over again….rediscover each other….stop trying to change the other…..savor our differences…..

I wish we love …we respect….stop presuming & assuming……

Together let us unravel the mysteries of life…. & love……..

Today I gift you with my willingness for everything I said……….

I love you…..I love us……I pray for you…. & US….

Happy Birthday chattu

UMMMMAMMM

Molu

Why do you want to marry me

2006-12-12T23:43:00.000-08:00

I told Jobi that I wanted to marry this man. “Who is he?” he sounded concerned. “Don’t be desperate Beji. The right man will come. Don’t lose your patience. Have faith, somebody worthy of you must be around the corner.” I was impatient, desperate and feared losing him, I told Jobi, “And what makes you think he is not the right man?” “I don’t know, he had replied….may be your mental state….you are moving like a fisherman, ready with your hook and net. You don’t seem to be in the right mood of discretion. And what have you found in him that you want to MARRY him??”
I was prepared for this question, “He is smart, intelligent, honest, handsome, etc…..” “Tell me how is he different from the others you liked.” I was hurt, depressed and really had no idea how to explain. “He loves me!!” I had blurted out. “Hmm and what about you?!! Do you love him??” Been hurt twice I was cautious. I was holding the deepest emotions close. I didn’t want to express anything unless I was damn sure. I was quiet. He continued, “Do you know how your life would be after 10years from now? What is your vision? Where are you headed? What do you want to achieve?” I didn’t know. All I knew was he loved me and I needed him. I knew he would love me at my worst. He would accept me warts and all. It was the promise of unconditional love. I didn’t know how to rate that.
Jobi, my brother, was concerned. He was more scared than me. Nothing should hurt his kid sister. And how was he to ensure that.
He confronted Jaison.
“So you would like to marry her?” He started his line of interrogation. Jaison already hearing only about Jobi from me was more or less aware what to expect. “Yes.” He said calmly. “Hmm and why do you want to marry HER? Do you even know HER?” “I may not know everything about her…but I know her enough to know I want to love her for the rest of my life.”
“My sister is a not the regular kind of person. She is abnormal. You cannot expect logic from her. You should not believe that you will ever be able to reason out with her. Her passions and temper fly high. She loves to the point of suffocation. And if you feel that this is just for the beginning, you are wrong. Her unpredictabilities would stay with her. I don’t think a normal human being would ever know what to do with her. And you can’t wish her away. She almost holds you in a spell and even if you wish you couldn’t break away.”
Jaison looked amused.

Jobi continued, “Don’t think I am telling you to talk you out of it. I am warning you. I want to make sure you know what you have at hand. You look like a normal regular person …..Beleive me she would be a difficult person to live with. She is poetic, imaginative, impractical kid!!”

Jaison smiled and answered, “She will be fine with me!!”

Now we all look back and say…..

Me: Ha!! I was right about him. He loves me….unconditionally!!

Jaison: Your brother is really a wise guy. He told me the whole truth. How foolish of me not to have believed!!

Jobi: Thanks Jaison for loving my sister. I know how you feel. Don’t blame me!! I warned you.

how much...how deep...how wide ...is your love for me??

2006-11-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

I was very keen to adopt the first child. That was my bit which I wanted to do for a homeless child.

I remember asking him that when we decided to get married. He said he needed time to think. After a couple of days he agreed. This particular commitment seemed to have been quite difficult for him. He said he was not very sure whether he will be able to do justice to the child as its father;though he would try his best. He added he would be comfortable to have his own biological children and that he is agreeing only because I was so keen and adament about it.

I later learnt from him.....he had considered whether it was my own child somewhere which I wanted to adopt.

We didn't adopt any.....afterall I didn't have any children hiding anywhere. There was no point adopting any child half heartedly.

I was both touched and angered when I learnt about his consideration. Touched because his love was pure.....beyond love itself....for me as I was!!

I was angered because he considered I could be promiscuos to have that kind of a consequence.

I claimed his affection and questioned his doubts.

" No my dear!! I don't think you could be promiscuous. You are a righteous person. But life is strange. It makes you vulnerable beyond understanding. If ever vulnerability took over righteousness..... I would care enough to love and heal you."

Hi handsom!!

2006-10-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

I don't have many great snaps of Jaison. Not that he doesn't look good.....but I am a bad photographer!!
........Looks were never a criteria for choosing you!!
Did I ever tell you.....I love the way you look.....the way you look at me!!.........

most frequently misunderstood conversation

2006-10-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

I : Hey could you reduce the AC?
He: Sure, darling!!

After a while

I : Hey why am I feeling hot?
He: After reducing the AC what did you expect?
I : But reducing the AC would mean reducing the temperature setting.
He: To me it means reducing the coldness.

I : But can’t you understand? It is so hot. May be you DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND?
He: I just did what I understood. Why should I go to the trouble of misunderstanding?
I: Whatever!!

The dialogues and sequence keeps changing places but the effect is the same. It could be in car or bedroom or bus. He could be the one who asks. Sometimes we both take care to remember what other means and end up ending again the same way.

Both of us get irritated.

After a while we both smile.

But till date after being married almost for a decade we couldn’t hold this particular bit of conversation with perfect understanding.

The kitchen is on fire!!

2006-10-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

It was a summer afternoon. A period when I was out of work by choice. Relocation, children and the difficulty in landing a job held me at home as a housewife. I was every bit of what is attributed to a housewife. A mother of two children and wife of a busy executive without any help in a strange city….. I was overworked, bored and under stimulated. I was slowly getting into a parasitic mode….cranky, dependent and nagging.

That day my husband called saying he would have to go on an official trip. Just get his suitcase ready and he will be off.

“Do you have to go?”
He answered with his irritation a bit toned down… “Would I otherwise?”
“Could you take us?”
“Are you out of your mind? I have to leave in another hour”
“Oh! I would get the kids ready in no time. Please.” I begged.

He relented feeling guilty and responsible for my boredom.

I was in for some real juggling. Any mother can estimate the effort in getting ready two kids, one 4 the other 1…..the planning required to pack there things …..the eatables to carry that they would eat.

I put on the cooking range (hot plate). As it was to take some time I left the kadai with oil and tended to other work. The bell rang. He came. Looked around obviously assessing whether we will make it. I got the kids ready. Put the extra pair of clothes. Took the biscuits and snacks to chew on. The pampers…… The wipes. And the towel and the soap. I was almost ready…. Just needed to iron the top.

“Mummy….something is burning!!” That was my son from ground floor.

“What is the matter with you? I am coming.”

As I took the flight of steps down my heart was sinking. I remembered the kadai….the oil…… The kitchen was on fire.

I could see the flames rising from the oil. The cupboard above the cooking range was on fire. The oil was feeding it and it was cancerously spreading with speed and indiscretion.

I was numb. How could I be so damn stupid? I did the only thing that came to me...on the top of my voice I called him.

He rushed down. He registered the situation. He moved the kids outdoors. He took the fire extinguisher….used it.

He came to me, gave me a hug and said, “It is alright.”

I was standing amidst the smoke around me….numb from guilt….waiting to be pronounced guilty. The soot was settling down everywhere in the house. The oil vapours took them to even the computer screen on the first floor.

My husband said something about carbon monoxide. He took the mobile and cancelled his trip. He reassured the kids who looked scared and puzzled at this turn of events.

Next he went up the first floor and got his camera. I saw him taking pictures like an expert reporter. It was like the victim taking his own picture to give a lucid account of things. More than everything I was confused.

Looking at my confused face he said…. “Just wanted to show my subordinates how simple things can lead to something Big. Even the kids should remember and learn from it.”

The matter was reported. Things sorted out. The house being cleaned.

I took some courage and said , “I am sorry…I have been an idiot. I made you miss the trip too. I really am sorry.”

He looked at me …..the kindest way he could…. “It is ok dear. I am glad I was around. Though I had expected better reflexes from you. But…tum tho hamaari jaan ho…..available for you 24/7.

Driving lessons

2006-09-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

My hubby is a good teacher. From PC to cars …it was he who painstakingly led me through. Electronic gadgets and automobiles were a strict no-no to me.

After three years of our marriage when I landed a job of Pediatrician in a hospital he decided it was time I drove a car. I was reluctant to leave the ease of driving my beloved Scooty. Three falls and a scarred chin was not to deter my love for the beauty which still was able to bring a twinkle in my eyes.

But my hubby decided otherwise.

The first class went in explaining the responsibility of driving a car. He stressed why a car was not like a two wheeler where you put a pedestrian at a considerably major risk if you are careless.

The second dealt with the safety issues. What would happen if you pressed an accelerator in place of the break? What would be the results of leaving your windows open (theft!! I knew that!). What can happen if you lock the car with the keys inside (you have to wait for an eternity till the key are located in some vague place which you have forgotten and brought to you. Man hours wasted not to be mentioned. I practically discovered that. ) What could happen if you let the AC on without the engine on. What could happen if you left the headlights on (Jump start!!)

The third class dealt with the mechanics involved. I was introduced to the concept of how gears work.
“Motors have low torque and high speed. Usually we need high torque and low speed. Gears are used:
To convert the motion from a fast electric motor that has low torque, to a slow motion with high torque (which is useful to push a robot).
To transfer motion from one shaft to another while keeping the shafts synchronized
If you turn the small gear, the big gear goes slower.
If you turn the big gear, the small gear goes faster.
The slow one has more torque (it can push harder). This is good for moving robots, arms, etc.
The fast one has less torque, but more speed. This is good for fans and automobiles and anything where you need speed but not much torque.
By using a series of gears, called a "gear train," you can get speed reductions or speed increases of 1 to several hundred.”
“I hope that it is clear what gear 1 to gear 4 means.” I nodded. “That should be reason enough for you to shift your gears gradually unless otherwise is warranted.
The fourth class was about how to save fuel and how to avoid unnecessary wear and tear of the vehicle. “Don’t press brakes when you anticipate you need to slow down. Just leave the accelerator.” “Don’t use AC if the climate is pleasant and your speed less”. “Always press the clutch to the fullest to make the gear shift smooth”. “Don’t drive with handbrakes on “.
The fifth day I was enrolled for driving classes. My trainer was extremely happy to have me as a student. “Natural reflexes!! You are not scared. You are doing very well!!” I would beam after each class and tell him. He would say “That’s all nice. Keep your head above your shoulders.”
I got the license and the car was due to arrive any day. Hyundai Santro….what a pleasure it was to have it then.
What happened next deserves another post. But all I learnt about driving I owe to my hubby. All that I refused to learn to my overconfidence.

How genuine!!

2006-09-25T00:10:00.000-07:00

What I admire most in my husband is also what I find most irritating in him. If he says yes or no….he means it. He doesn’t have any ulterior motive, any secret wish to please me, he is not trying to manipulate. His words exactly mean what he says. I could look at him hoping he doesn’t mean what he is saying, I could simply stare sheepishly and wish he would choose kinder words than the kindness he feels, I could pray that he will mellow down the tone, I could wish he would inject some joy in the happiness he feels, I could wish that he would be a little sad when he accepts defeat. But it is matter of fact. The words are purely intended for what he is saying…nothing more…nothing less.

He is genuine….and that is so rare….finding it in him elates me….

Since I don’t always choose to be genuine….his being genuine at times irritates me…..

Because it is sometimes beyond my capacity….. I admire it in him….

The Proposal

2006-09-18T23:22:00.000-07:00

Whenever I think of how my husband proposed me; I smile.

One day he just walked up to me and said, “I am born on 19th September 1969. I have done my BTech. from Trichur Engineering College. I draw a salary of Rs.10, 000. I was pursuing my M Tech when I landed up this job. Due to the financial obligations of my family I preferred a job to studies. I am the 7th child in our family. I have 5 sisters and shoulder the responsibilities required of me. I love my parents and expect that my wife should hold them in the highest esteem. We are financially not very well off and have known sheer poverty. I am proud of where I came from.

Will you marry me??

I may not pursue higher education. Though I have no objection if you would like to. I am comfortable accepting that you would be. I hope you give a thorough thought to the fact that I would be just a graduate. Kindly ask yourself how much this fact can bother you. I can’t promise that I would give you all the material happiness but I will keep you well provided and I will always love you.

I asked, “Why do you want to marry me?”
He answered, “You are so lovable....and I feel you would love me...”

I asked, “Is that all?”
He said, “Yes.”

I asked, “If I say no?”
He answered, “I would respect that.”

I asked, “Would you be heart broken?”
He answered, “No.”

I asked, “What if your parents say no?”
He answered, “They love me and believe in my choice.”

I said, “I would need time to think it over.”
He said, “You MUST give it as much thought as you can....let me know when you reach an answer. I will wait.”

He left. The next day I said YES.

And I have never regretted my decision.

Love

2006-09-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

For my husband love has only one definition......the one given in bible .....
I quote
The Bible says:
1 Corinthians chapter 13 (TEV)
1 I may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell.
2 I may have the gift of inspired preaching; I may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; I may have all the faith needed to move mountains-but if I have no love, I am nothing.
3 I may give away everything I have, and even give up my body to be burned-but if I have no love, this does me no good.
4 Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; 5 love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; 6 love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. 7 Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
8 Love is eternal.
unquote

Time and again he sat with me explaining what love is....living this definition everyday of his life...and inspiring me to live so

Our first meeting

2006-09-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful evening of January……13th of Jan 1993 to be precise……I had my first chance meeting with my would be husband….chance…because I was looking for a chance to be introduced to him. What followed was a deliberate attempt from my side to charm……charm him beyond any practical consideration. It was after a recent setback in my romantic adventures. I was in a mood to strike back at the world…..at the cost of anybody’s emotions.

He was more amused than charmed…..and held in his eyes an affection beyond my expectation…….or comprehension. He didn’t grab me……just let me be….he didn’t ask for anything ….just opted to give….and cared for me most when I was at my worst.

My loneliness melted away…..I had a strange confidence in just being myself…..

I was scared……

He was too good to be true….but I was so glad he came…I was grateful..

Shukriya

Kya tha un nigahon mein…
Jo de gaya sahara….?
Kahin mere gam ko…
Kahin bebasi ko….

Apni hi gahraayiyon mein girthe utharthe…
Har khwaab ko khilonon ki tharah toot-the dhekhthe…
Thaq gayi thi….
Toot gayi thi….
Tab kahaan se aaye the thum ??

Na the thum sahaare…
Na the thum kinaare…
Na manzil the…
Na raastha….

Kya the ??
Kyun The??
Kisliye the ??
Haan kuch tho the thum hamaare….

Un aankho mein
Na khwaabon ka kaarwan tha….
Na waasna ki aag…
Sharm se sharmaai tho nahin thi main….
Kuch toote hue khwaabon mein lipti khadi…
Kisi bachchi ki hi tharah nihaara tha thumhe…..

Vishaal lage the thab…
Aur na jaane kyun …
Us vishaaltha mein kho jaane ka mann kar gaya….

Haan mann !!
Kal ki tharah aaj bhi chanchal…

Kuch aagah us chanchaltha ko kiya…
Kuch un nigaahon ko andhekha kiya….
Par kya tha us smith mein jo mujhe muskara kar chala gaya….
Kuch hansa kar chala gaya…
Kuch gudguda kar chala gaya….

Kaun ho thum ??
Koi farishthei ho kya ??
Ya mere khuda ka koi paigaam ??

Thum na kal the mere….
Na shayad kal hoge mere….

Par shukriya jo aaj chale aaye…..