Life moves in circles...

Life has been going in circles.

Three days back Jaison resigned again. The reason was same. We wanted to be together.

Funny how we resign for coming together and find jobs in new places for growth.

But all in all we don’t have many regrets for the decisions we took in life. We were together holding hands and walking …and we haven’t smothered each other’s existence by staying too close for the sake of it. There was always freedom of expression and….the choice of direction. We both have made sacrifices…..our priorities never clashed…..

Yeah times have changed…but how much have we…?

Still my first trip on train as Jaison’s wife to Kakinada is crystal clear in my head. We were married for around 1 year. But he had left for Kakinada almost 15 days after our marriage. Parents were nearer than him. I never realized any change in status quo.

….until then…

Jaison suggested why not come to Kakinada for a short trip. I was excited. I agreed. Booked the ticket. Journey of half a day…..including a sleepover in train.

As the train chugged to speed…my heart beat picked up…. This looked different…. This was the sudden realization in the change of my identity. Suddenly I realized I belonged more to my hubby than to papa. HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR US. I WAS ACCOUNTABLE TO HIM. This was the real farewell to the girlish me.

There was a pinch of pain. ….Mixed with eager anticipation.

Kakinada was hot. Situated in Andhra Pradesh ….in the month of June …I think it was smoldering hot. My first impression was of remorse when I saw a man pulling the rickshaw…..

Jaison looked like he had been lonely for ages. When I entered his flat it had no personal touches. Here and there his manuals, few of my snaps and letters, a rosary, and some utensils.

He had the simplest living one could imagine…..it almost looked too pristine…..almost starched…..!!

I scanned the rooms. Too clean, the bed had a simple white bed sheet with small yellow flowers and leaves, two pillows….the table had a photo frame having my snap sitting in a boat from Kodai….our honeymoon time…… a cross…a rosary…a bible…and manuals…and manuals. Kitchen looked like it was used only when required. No trace of food no smells….the oil bottle hardly used in one side…..a washed pressure cooker….
The balcony was like it was never visited. It needed to be dusted.

Hmm!! This house needed to be converted to a home!!

I washed the entire house. ….including the balcony. A more cheerful sheet was spread. Some decorative pieces locked in his suitcases put on table. A cardboard box was converted to a side table. A table cloth was put. Kitchen smelled yummy of food….the TV was on….

By evening Jaison and the house looked revived.

We went to the local market. Bought some fresh vegetable and fruits. And few more things I felt were needed. I was already getting used to the rikshaw pullers. He got me jasmine garland.

I had few cotton sarees…..one is still clear in my memory…a red and cream one….I wore those at home….with the garlands……. It was like the homely Hindi movies…..I would cook and be ready to welcome him with hot steaming food….and he would be in his most romantic self…..

It didn’t look like summer……for all I cared it was spring….the most beautiful days I was having……

We would sit and talk for hours in balcony……would play all crazy games at home….spend the time in terrace below the starlit night…..We had dreams……mine were more vivid…..his were more providing…..I would walk everywhere with his little finger in my hand…..the jasmine in my long open hairs….with my saree pallo loosely held….

The beaches of Kakinada were so beautiful….! Stretches of clear sand…..and the waves approaching….the water looked crystal clear……it was spotted intermittently with red crabs……


Time flew as fast as it could….Soon clutching memories in tight grasp in one hand and his little finger in the other we were in the railway station…..to return back to Surat…..

I never cried when I was married and left home….in fact I hardly cry on real occasions….but this was different…..time was ticking away and it seemed like it was taking his little finger from my grasp…..

I tried hard,…..but I was grossly emotional…..I couldn’t stop the flood of tears waiting….and I broke…..

He took me in embrace….for once not bothered of what people will think…..and after crying my heart out ….I looked up….and asked innocently…., “Why are you not crying??”

He smiled….boarded me in train….slowly pulled his finger away….and I again started crying…… When the train started….my crying didn’t stop…..everybody was staring at me….I look ugly when I cry…who cared….I wanted his little finger…and his warm embrace….and just to be with him….hear him sleep beside me…..content and peaceful…..

Time and again after that …..We repeated it in different settings…. I never cried as much…..he always teased me for that day…..

But no we haven’t changed ……I still want his little finger…and his warm embrace….and just to be with him….hear him sleep beside me…..content and peaceful…..